onepaper.com's "Island Melee"

TIMES SQUARE FULL OF FAT CHICKS AND BIG ASSES
by Nom D. Plume
as posted at onepaper.com/islandmelee

ST. CROIX - A truck transporting farm animals overturned in Christiansted last Friday night leaving the area filled with hundreds of chubby little newborn chickens and large jackasses. Police officers reported seeing the fat chicks scurrying in all directions with the big asses following right behind them.

A spokesperson for the Department of Agriculture said the livestock may have been imported from the Dominican Republic. He asked the public not to become alarmed and said it probably wasn't' the first time there have been fat chicks and big asses in Times Square.

Many residents expressed their concern about the number of fat chicks on the corner of Company Street and were surprised at how big the asses were in this latest shipment. "I saw this one ass that was the size of a Buick," said one man. "It was so big that traffic stopped to let it cross the street."

Police officers along with the Dept. of Agriculture personnel spent hours trying to round up all the fat chicks and big asses they could find, but were relatively unsuccessful. Onlookers said Agriculture officials were never going to lure them in because they weren't using the right bait. They suggested using $20 bills and also recommended waiting until the night time because the fat chicks are rarely seen during the day.

The sharp turn in the roadway at Times Square intersection has been the sight of other accidents involving livestock. Last month a cattle truck overturned and police received reports of a couple of heifers wandering around or standing in front of bars and pool halls.

(tu) :@)

Hysterical!!

LOL!!

PHYSICIANS: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN COLD PLACES ARE STUPID
by Nom D. Plume
CAMBRIDGE, MA. - A startling new report by the Four Out of Five Doctors Association has determined that people who live in areas that get cold are basically stupid. The study concluded that if cold weather people had any intelligence at all, they'd move to somewhere warmer.
The group of researchers cite archaeological evidence of their claim that human beings of superior intelligence sought out warm climates, leaving the mentally inferior ones behind. Nomadic caveman wandered into new places on earth, but when it got cold,the smart ones got the hell out. Those who were too stupid to leave stayed and froze their asses off.
According to Dr. Oral Lipschiz, there is absolutely no good reason to live in places that get colder than 70 degrees. "It doesn't make any sense," said Dr. Lipschiz. "Frost bite, snow, ice, who needs that crap? If you live somewhere cold, move away immediately! Otherwise, you're nothing but an idiot." The study also concluded that people from warm regions are better in bed than people in the cold parts of the world. Doctors say the low temperatures cause both men and women to be lousy lovers. The authors of the study say the fact that all the researchers are from the Caribbean had no absolutely influence on the final results.

that's an old paper that used to publish, and they went online.

i didn't know they were still doing stories, but one of them sounds pretty old... i think i've seen it already.

The people that were doing it moved several years ago off Island. I think they are old stories that just prove the more things change the more they stay the same.

are you sure it wasnt really the onion that posted that

The people that were doing it moved several years ago off Island. I think they are old stories that just prove the more things change the more they stay the same.

Perhaps "run off" the island ??
I'm sure it wasn't all that well received. Kinda surprised it's still there.

They we not run off the Island; the partnership broke up.Everyone loved it and looked forward each new edition.

This post has made me laugh so hard. People around me think I am nuts, then I let them read it and they can't stop laughing either.

Thanks!!!

I remember that now. It was a hard copy, not just on the internet. It got passed around a lot.

I used to buy it at Nisky.
It was from STX.
My favorite section was "All my child ren dem"
And,the Meat Market classifieds.

They sold it at Subway's in Buccaneer Mall, too.

And of course...I think they did the "Richard for Senate" campaign, bumper stickers and all! Maybe things wouldn't be so bad now-a-days if he'd really gotten in. :S